RING DAGNABIT!

I am waiting for 3 calls right now and they are just not coming! I'm so frustrated! I want my phone to ring! And in a particular order! HURRY UP!

First I need to hear from the atty that it is indeed okay to get the money from the car ins co. I thought of this last night and I hope it is. I left her a message, but nothing yet.

Next I need to hear from the car ins co that they have a check for me.

Then I need to hear that the car is in, so I can go get it!


AAAAAARRRRGGHHH!


Ring phone ring!

Let's get this out of the way.

The big "B" is OVER. Over like the Sopranos. Over like the rainbow. Sure, I've got some credit rebuilding to do, and some time to distance myself, but it's OVER. I had my last court appearance last week. It was EASY. I was so super scared. I've been reading an online newsletter called "Life After B**" and I love it. It's really inspirational. It's filed with good advice, and no high pressure to buy things or pay for some service. The author, Steven Snyder has written several books on the topic, but says that if you can't afford to buy them, to go out and get them from the library. So, that's something I can get behind. It's over, out of the way and done. YAY!!!

Motivation. nope

I have no motivation to work today. I see my desk covered in papers and other things I could do, but no! I would rather do nothing. I like my job, don't get me wrong, but today I just feel zapped. I did this morning. I let myself sleep WAAAAAAY too late, and was late to work. Now I'm in my office, staring at the aforementioned papers. Yeah. I guess the situation of my life in general is due an update.

The big "b" is, over, I guess. I got my discharge paper in the mail, and that's supposed to be the end. I do still have to go to court on the 6th, and I so still have to surrender my tax return, but other than that, I'm done. I have to save up to get a secured credit card. That's supposed to be my first step in the credit recovery department. I'm anxious to do that. I guess I'm still young enough to not have the affect me as badly, but dang. I still don't like it.

Student loans are still there but in forbearance at the moment. I'm still scared I'll never pay those off. There's a plan. I hope it works. I haven't spoken to evil in over a year now. That's strange to me. It's amazing how much a part of your life someone can be and then is gone in an instant. Now, I'm not saying that I EVER want to see her face again, but it's just odd.

All that stuff was depressing me, so on to better things. The wedding is in 9 days. I'm going to be first hair appointments on Saturday. Mom is picking up my dress on Friday. I'm excited. I'm really lucky to have found someone as awesome as my Jason. I wonder if he knows. Even if the wedding ended up having no music, no guests, no anything, I would still be so happy.

I have good friends. I can count on them to talk to me when I'm down, when I'm up and laugh at me when I insult the organist. Yeah, I totally deserved that. We live in a nice, cozy apartment. It might be small, but it's the first place other than my parents' that's really felt like home. I love the paint we put on the walls. I have love. I have a wonderful family. I have a new family.

What do I want? I want my student loans paid off. I want Jason to find a new job that he loves. I want to be with him forever. I want to have friends over and cook out this summer. I want to have more confidence and less insecurity. I want to clean the house this week. Okay, that one I NEED to do.

I know this has all been kinda stream of consciousness, but well, that's where I am.

I'll try

I'm going to try to update every day. I figure if I really want to make a go of this, I'd better be committed. So here's today:

I'm home sick. I think I have the flu. I'm feeling a little better right now than I have been this weekend. I think drinking all that water last night may have helped. At least my throat doesn't hurt as much anymore. I think it's good for me to stay home today though so I have a chance to get better.

I called the vet and Diana's pathology is back, but the girl who answered the phone didn't know what it said, so I'm waiting for a call from the vet.

So, here I sit, watching TV, and thinking about wedding things. I need to make a good plan for the reception and choose a few more songs for like Father/Daughter dance, and cake cutting and carter/bouquet toss.

I actually got my discharge on Saturday. So, I'm technically done with the big "b". Now it's rebuilding time.

I don't think there are any more updates yet, I'll post about Diana whenever I know!

I really don't know.

So, I've been looking at what I wrote last week and I don't know if I feel any better or not. I'm not constantly down in the uber dumps, but I'm not all better either. Jason really helps with this a lot. He's like an instant feel better for me. I don't know how I got so lucky with him.
The whole "B" thing is just so depressing. I feel like it will follow me around for the rest of my life. Plus there's the student loans. Arrrgh. I have to weigh the good versus the bad I guess. I said a long time ago, that even if i had to file the "b" it wouldn't affect my daily life. Now, I'm letting it, through stress. I have to try to not let it, but that's hard. Anyone have suggestions for how to rise above? Leave me a comment.

If it's possible, worse

At least it feels like it. So I went to the meeting of creditors yesterday, and that went okay, but I found out that I'm going to have to go to court again. I have to go plead my case to keep the car. It was what I was afraid of, and I really don't want to do it. It's awful. I'm really scared. It's probably next month. Also, now if I sue her, the "B" trustee gets the money! So it's a moral issue. Do I want to spend the time and money to go after her, or not? It would mean extra hassle for me. BUT otherwise it seems like I've done nothing to go after the person who screwed my life up so bad, and pretended to be my friend the whole time.
Also, I went to the doctor yesterday morning and she found a lump in my breast. Great. Just what I needed. Health concerns to go with the other crap. I wouldn't be surprised if it was a lump of concentrated stress. So, I have to see a specialist.
I'm feeling REALLY down today. I feel like I'm never going to get a break. I mean, I've been happy this summer, this year, but there's always been some unfinished business hanging about. There's always a cloud. There's always something and it's always a big something. It leaves me wondering what I've done wrong karmically to deserve this? I haven't killed anyone, in fact I've tried not to hurt people. I thought I was a good person, now I wonder. Am I really that awful? Am I ever going to have a life clear from major problems? I mean, the bankruptcy is on my credit for 10 years. Yeah, the people say that if I'm good in 2 years things will be back to normal, but I just don't know. It was the last thing that I wanted to do. I didn't want to declare it. I had to. It would have ruined my future for sure, having the judgment on there. It would have slapped itself on to any house I bought, it would have followed me to my grave. It was my only choice, but it doesn't affect any of my other bills. I don't have any other debt that is going away. I had gotten rid of any credit card debt years ago. I didn't have anything else. Why did it come to this? Why do I deserve this? Why?

Terrified.

Okay, the big B meeting is tomorrow at 2. I am more terrified than I thought I would be. I thought that once I made it through that first one, this stuff would be cake. but I'm scared. I'm not going to write much more, but just think of me tomorrow, and think no-asset.

Letting it go

Well, it's out of my hands now. I filed for you-know-what this morning. I'm not typing it because I'm sick of seeing the ad on the blog. I'm still really scared about it. I signed the papers this morning, and my first and only meeting will be in November, she thinks. She doesn't think that there will be any problem. So, I hope that's progress. I always think of a million things that could go wrong.
Right now I just want to go home and sleep. Neither Jason nor I got any sleep last night. I think I kept him up. I was tossing and turning all night. I hope that I can learn to deal with the stress. I hope more that it goes away. She didn't think it would clear before the wedding, but said that that wouldn't be a problem. So, I guess I had better stop thinking about it. There's nothing to be gained from that.

Still surviving

I'm still all nervous about all of it, I think I will be until it's over, but it's better now. I don't want to spend all of my time talking about it. So!

This weekend we went to the last race of the season in Chicago. To start off with, the weather was PERFECT! It wasn't hot or cold, and we were in the shade in our seats. Vitor was going to come to the pre-race party, but had to have a meeting. He said he'd be at the banquet tomorrow night though. I really hope he has a better year next year. His was the second (after marco) wreck of the day. Something broke on his car, and he hit the wall so hard that he broke the safer barrier. I say that makes him cool. I know I'm out of order, but with your favorite having such a hard season you have to put it out there. So, the race was really exciting. I don't know why it's so much more exciting to me to see the teams running together, but it is. It was cool. We were right there when Dixon ran out of gas sooooooo close to the finish line. This time Dario does "see the checker" and it was cool, but will be much less cool if he goes to napcar (cuz it makes me sleepy) next year.

So, great race. Going to the banquet tomorrow. Last night we chopped up a tree covered in poison ivy. At least that's what we thought it was. We still aren't quite done, but it was really hard work. It's awesome to have such a great fiance. He's handy and hardworking. Now we have a big pile of kindling.

I survived

My meeting with the bankruptcy attorney was yesterday, and I survived. It took 3 hours! I do qualify to declare chapter 7, but it's so frustrating that I have to. I have to liquidate some stock I've had since I was born, and they could go after Mom for the tax refund I gave her this past year. They will also get my tax refund for this year. I still think that this is better than having the MC garnish my wages, and take all of my money. So.... I have to do a couple more things, like credit counseling (online) and send a couple more things in, but it's going.

I can't believe it's come to this. I don't have ANYTHING to discharge other than the condo. I don't have any credit card debt, my car is current on payments, my student loan is current, and can't go away anyway, and I don't have any other debt. I worked so hard to get to that point, and now it's all for nothing. If she could have just told me straight up that she really couldn't afford the house anymore, before the liens were placed, we could have done a short sale and been done with it. I know she said I never picked up on hints, but that's definately something she could have been straightforward about. So.... Everyone, I think it's going in the right direction, but until it's over, don't forget me!

It's tomorrow

My appointment with the bankruptcy attorney is tomorrow. Good Lord, I am terrified. I am so scared that something is going to go wrong, that she will tell me that I am screwed etc. I don't know what to wear, I've got all of the stuff, but I don't know what it's for, like she wanted the last 3 months of bank statements. Well, I don't have anything to hide, I'm not hiding any money, or anything, but what if she tells me that I'm spending too much on one thing or another, and that means that I can't do it? I am just terrified. I don't think I'll be nearly as scared of the meeting with the actual trustee. Who knows? I just wish that this could be completely over tomorrow. I also pray that everything will go fine tomorrow. If you're reading this, think of me tomorrow morning at 9.

I know, I know

They've all been like this, but I'm so stressed out about this bankruptcy thing. I just hope it all goes well. I'm more scared about this first meeting that I think than I am about the one with the creditors. I don't really think anyone will show up for that... I don't know though. I'm just so scared, and so stressed about it. Jason is a big help, and so are my friends, but it's such a scary thing. Mom volunteered to go with me, but I'm torn. I want her to go because I want moral support, but I want to go alone because I'm a grown up, and this is my problem that I should handle myself. One week and one day until I go.